How To Help Our Teens Spread Their Wings

After two years of cancelled or missed social encounters, many of us feel we need a little encouragement and bravery to find our feet again.

It’s the same for our teens but with a vital added extra – they’re teenagers. Many went into Covid just when they were supposed to be developmentally spreading their wings. These adolescent years are the time for them to work out who they are and where they fit. They’re naturally drawn to be with their peers as they ease away from their dependence on us.

Instead of making the most of this time of growth and change and teen togetherness, they were stuck at home with us – or at school until they were once again sent home with Covid. It seems they’ve fast-tracked these important years, perhaps going into Covid at 11 and emerging at 13, without the daily experiences of face-to-face socialising and the ups and downs of figuring out peer relationships – all key to their social development.

Is it any wonder they might feel out of practice, a little worried or downright terrified to get back out there? Although the time away from school and activities could be isolating, many teens felt a relief from worrying about their appearance, how they were supposed to act and the FOMO around social events. It wouldn’t be surprising or unusual for all these unsettled emotions to come out in their behaviour. What we think affects how we feel and how we feel affects what we do.

Whether your child is feeling a bit rusty or dreading the return to full-on social life, some anxiety is normal and there’s a lot we can do to help. It’s important to say that if their worries are affecting their ability to lead a normal life and interfering with things they normally enjoy, they may need professional support.

Our goal is to help our children learn to manage their worries rather than to try and eliminate them. It’s our opportunity to remember that we’re all wired differently, we experience life differently and, as we ease back into proper socialising, we may have different worries or anxieties. It’s our chance to listen, help our children to open up about their feelings and empathise while we support them to be brave. Here are five ways we can do that:

Talk openly about the challenges and empathise

Being open and showing empathy builds trust. Listen whenever you have the chance, without judgement, pity and as much as possible without interrupting. It’s our parental instinct to jump in and try to take their pain away. As well as reassuring them that all feelings are completely understandable, natural and OK, take the first step to help them tackle their worries. Being anxious when we haven’t done something for a while is normal. We all feel it and sometimes we need to be brave. It might sound like this:

‘You seem a little quiet. I’m wondering whether you’re feeling a bit worried and maybe a bit anxious about going tomorrow night. It’s been a long time since you’ve all been together. You might be excited but apprehensive at the same time. You’ve quite enjoyed parts of the time you’ve had at home and I’m thinking you might feel less confident. That makes sense. I remember when you went to Molly’s just after lockdown. You really weren’t sure. But you did it and you said that you enjoyed yourself – that was brave.’

Help them make a plan

Support them to set a goal and make a plan. If they’re worried about friendships or socialising, help them visualise a goal that’s realistic and appropriate. When we’re worried or anxious, we can get caught in a negative feedback loop and focus on our fears. Talking through things and supporting them to come up with their own solutions can calm their worried brains:

‘I know you feel apprehensive and maybe a bit self-conscious. I completely get that. I feel a bit that way too. Can you think of any small steps you could take to get a bit of practice?’

They may want to meet with a small group of friends several times before tackling a bigger gathering. They may suggest an activity with one or two friends, or their goal might be to just do one new thing once a week. Planning an activity is a great start. When we’re anxious about social interactions, we’re often busy worrying about how we’re perceived or how we come across. When we’re engrossed in doing something, we take the focus off worrying about ourselves.

Support and praise any small steps in the right direction. Reassure them that we always have a choice: we can choose to step carefully outside our comfort zone, be brave and grow or we can choose to stay where we are. We want to enable them to flex their socialising muscles gently and build confidence. Once they’ve made the step, they’ll feel better about taking the next one.

Work to understand your child’s experience

Taking the time to tune into our child's unique experience helps us to help them. We all want to feel seen, heard and valued for who we are. When we put ourselves in their shoes and try to see the world as they do, we’re connecting and they’re more likely to be open and talk to us – at any age.

Thinking about their temperament and how they interact with the world is a good place to start. Some of us are extroverts who only feel truly energised and alive when we’re socialising and surrounded by people. Others are more introverted and can enjoy socialising but prefer smaller groups and the deep connections we can have with fewer friends. We may not be entirely one or the other, and both are OK, just different.

Your child may love being with people but, as an introvert who is oriented to their internal world, they can feel drained by busy and loud social places. After school or a party, they need time to regroup, re-energise and reset.

They might be an extrovert who thrives and feels stimulated when they’re with a crowd or busy with lots of activities. They’re good at engaging with people and putting them at ease. Again, both temperaments are OK, just different, and how we support our kids should reflect these unique traits and talents. Helping them focus on their character strengths builds self-esteem and gives them the confidence to step outside their comfort zone and be brave.

Build their self-confidence

Helping all our children to feel comfortable and confident – whether it’s in a big group of friends or with a few best mates – begins with their self-esteem. Finding activities and interests where they feel capable and competent builds confidence, and it’s surprising how much improved confidence in one area spills over into all aspects of our life.

We all feel more comfortable and confident doing something we enjoy. Sometimes our kids need a little help, a little nudge or a little inspiration to pursue their interests and find new things they might enjoy.

Helping them to discover their own passions can help us think about who they are rather than who we want them to be. Sometimes we’ll need to be open-minded.

Seize the opportunity to help and gently support your kids. ‘Gently’ is key here – my teens say that the minute they mentioned or even quietly suggested they might like to try something new, I had them signed up, all the kit in the Amazon basket and was opening the front door. A vital part of intrinsic motivation – the lasting kind – is ownership, a realistic goal and a reasonable plan.

If they’d quite like to try a new activity – perhaps a theatre group, a music ensemble or swimming – support them to work out a plan that suits you both. You might agree to give it a term with a commitment from each of you on attendance, tuition and your taxi service and decide to revisit it at the end to re-evaluate and decide what’s next.

Pursuing an interest is one of the best places to find like-minded friends. Taking part in activities and making friends outside of school can be a great balance to their school life and hugely confidence-boosting.

Be present

The upheaval of the past two years has impacted each one of us differently. We’ve felt loss, grief, anxiety and disappointment, as well as gratitude for the silver lining of the time we’ve had together. The impact on our teens is clear – they are experiencing a huge increase in mental-health challenges. What do they need from us? To feel connected, heard and valued for who they are, and for us to try our hardest to understand their experience.

We need to focus our energy on keeping the connection with our presence. Through our presence we build trust and help them feel safe and secure – all of which builds self-esteem and positively impacts their behaviour.

Our children have a lot of competition for our attention and they’re not going to talk unless they think we’re really listening. We may be physically present, but it takes more discipline to be 100 per cent engaged. Sometimes we just need to be there quietly in their space. We need to make sure we set aside regular time to enjoy each other and, rather than dismiss them when we’re not available, we need to make a plan:

‘I want to listen and hear how you’re getting on. I need to make one more phone call then at 1pm I’m all yours.’

Then we put our phone on silent and give them our all.

As they naturally pull away in their teens, we need to let them go but we must focus all our creativity and attention on maintaining our connection. It’s through a deep relationship that we retain our influence. We want them to come to us for support and help as they figure things out. They will face challenges, they will find things hard, they may well fail – but they will fly.

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How to help our teens spread their wings again

TE Schools Advice